Chapter thirty-six

Silence. Nothing but awkward, ominous silence.

I remained completely rigid and frozen; stiff yet brittle. Unable to move an inch, yet I wanted nothing more than to run as fast as I could. My breathing literally slowed and all actions came to a halt. Even blinking seemed like too much of a task. I was at a loss for words. My heart continued to thud loudly deep within my chest, echoing through my ears, much louder than usual. It was remarkable how long neither one of us had uttered a single word. Ironically enough, the silence was deafly. It was amazing how after so many months, his image was the same.

His eyes pierced into mine; there was something mysterious and dark about them, as if he currently wasn't himself. He hadn't changed a bit, that was what scared me the most. It had been so long since I'd seen him; it was almost too good to be true. In fact, it was too good to be true. This was some form of sick joke, the equivalent of God shoving his middle finger in my face. I had no idea how to react to something so shocking.

My knees buckled, causing me to almost lose my balance and fall, but I soon regained my posture. All he had to do was stand there and he still had me falling for him, literally. He smiled. I admired his face and realised how much I missed his smirk, especially the way his rigid jawbone slanted to form that unique smile.

"Be careful," he said.

The familiar voice brought back the many memories that we shared. I sighed and hastily swallowed the lump that threatened to ascend my throat before stepping backward. He watched my every move; his actions were swift. Nothing could explain as to why he was here randomly, out of the blue, or even why he had left in the first place. There were too many questions that needed to be answered. 

I began to wonder if this was merely a dream. That would be the only reasonable explanation. There was no way in hell that he could appear in such a way, this was purely imagination. It had to be. After a long pause my breathing became intact once again. Ignoring the migraine I was experiencing from current events, and the weakness I felt from my recovery, I leaned against the doorframe.

"I'd like to wake up now," I said quietly, hoping God could hear me, but he simply neglected my wishes. I wanted to awake from this bad dream, hopefully once I did, I'd be back in bed. He watched me with a straight face, one brow raised. "This is a dream...this...this isn't real," I assured myself with a shaky breath. "I wanna wake up now."

"This isn't a dream," he stated.

My chest tightened at hearing that deep voice again. I peered upward to the ceiling, desperate for assistance or support.

"I wanna wake up," I said more loudly. I hate being ignored. He then began to walk towards me. I quickly held my hand up in protest. "Don't! Don’t come near me...no..."

He came closer regardless and held my face in his hands. His warm palms soothed my insecurities and caused my body to shiver instinctively.

"Relax," he muttered softly, his hoarse voice penetrating my ears.

Seeing him stood before me was unreal. I didn't like this particular dream; my vivid imagination was getting the better of me now. I wanted to be revived from this hellish nightmare. I needed to wake up somehow.

"You're not real," I insisted. "You're not." He frowned slightly. I stared ahead at the wall, waiting to wake up from this one of many dreams. My mind always fucked around with me, it wasn't funny at all.

"Rebecca..." he began.

"You're just my imagination," I stated firmly. I closed my eyelids tightly and counted mentally to three before opening them once again, hoping that he had gone. Instead, I remained face to face with him. He was still stood in front of me, gripping onto my shoulders and peering at me as if I had turned insane. I looked up at the ceiling. "You're taking the piss now," I said, but God never heard, and I still didn't wake up. It all seemed so real, but I didn't want to believe that it was for one second.

"Calm down," he whispered. Easier said than done. "You're gonna have a panic attack."

Why haven't I woken up yet?

"I'm losing my mind init? I am...I must be. These dreams keep happening, and there's never a way to prevent it," I retorted irritably.

His eyes searched mine. He was relaxed and tranquil. I wanted to believe that he was here, but after his long absence, it was hard to grasp such a concept.

"It's me," he said quietly. "I'm here."

My ears perked up at the same raspy, soothing voice I once knew and loved. He then held me close, cushioning my head against his firm pecs. I remained stiff, completely unable to move from the infinite shock. His aroma still hadn't changed, he smelt so fresh and cleansed. I could feel everything about him, so solid and firm... I could also feel the sensation of my own pain and anguish...which meant I wasn't dreaming at all. He must be real. He was actually here. This was him...in the flesh.

I melted at his scent and shut my eyes for a brief second. It had been a long while since he held me; I thought I'd never be in his arms ever again. I didn't know whether to feel elated or vexed. It no longer bothered me that my forehead was pulsing violently from the assault I upheld. It didn't faze me that my blistered skin stung with every brief movement I made. The only thing I focused on was the fact that he was here.

He held me in a tight embrace, the one I missed and yearned for, for so very long. After some time of contemplating to myself and allowing the utter hysteria to subside, I found my arms rising subconsciously and gradually coiling around his midsection to return the hug. I clutched him tight; the tightest I've ever held someone. I had no intention of letting him go, not this time.

"I thought I'd never see you again," I muttered.

His chest rumbled from the heavy sigh he released. He said nothing; the motion of his hand rubbing up and down my spine did all the talking. It really was a miracle; the way he appeared at the right exact time before anything bad had commenced. He was able to save me and bring me back here. After he vanished he was still able to save me, after his absence...

His eleven month absence...

Of me not being able to see him...

And him vanishing without a trace, with no contact, no nothing...

I frowned. The realisation hit me. I then began to recognise the fact that his return couldn't possibly be any good; in fact there were more cons than pros. He had disappeared without warning or consent, left me here by myself to gain moral depression. No contact was exchanged; it was as if he didn't even care. He sure as fuck didn't care what I had been through these past months, otherwise he would have been there to help me through it all. Instead he abandoned me, and now he wants to show up out of the blue as if nothing had happened. As if everything was okay.

All the memories of my loneliness and depression came flooding back instantly in a vivid slideshow. I slowly removed my arms from around him. The movement of his hand slowed on my back. He could sense something was wrong by my change of body language. We were left in the awkward position; him, stood there with his arms enclosing me, and me, pressed against his chest with a limp body. I moved away from him as the irritation began to seep in.

"Fuck..." I breathed deeply and brushed my hair back. I stepped away from him, certain that any moment, I would swing for him viciously. His brow cocked upward in confusion. "Why...why are you here? Why am I here? What the fuck is going on?"

He threw the flannel that had been placed over his shoulder the entire time down at the sink and sighed. "I can explain all of this," he began.

"I...you...you can't just turn up and expect everything to be okay," I said calmly, more to myself than him. I didn't want to be angry, believe me I didn't. That tense, brutal Rebecca had vanished a long time ago. I wasn't about to let this prick bring her back with his presence.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen, Rebecca."

My eye twitched. "It doesn't matter. It happened regardless."

His chest rose and fell swiftly. I looked around the bathroom. It was obvious that I had never been here before in my life, and he had brought me here. I didn't know if this flat belonged to a dangerous thug/rapist/killer/drug dealer. Yet, I was stood here in their bathroom, chatting to someone who didn't even deserve a second glance. I then screwed at the outcome of today, this wasn't good at all. 

"Where did you put my things? I refuse to stay here, this is some bullshit." I hastily left the bathroom, nearly staggering in the process, and headed back to the room that I had woken up in. I was beyond confused. First I leave work, then I'm almost murdered, then I'm brought back to a place I didn't even recognise, by someone I had extreme dislike for at the moment. I much prefer being attacked by the same dude then spend another waking minute in the same room as this prick.

I approached the side of the single bed to see my bag. I bent down and opened its zipper to check if all the essentials were inside. Luckily enough, all my belongings were still there. I exhaled deeply and retrieved my phone that was within the bag and attempted to turn it on, but the battery was dead. I kissed my teeth and dropped the phone back inside then picked the bag up, ready to leave the room and go back home. The sound of the door shutting behind me caused me to turn on my heel. He was stood by the closed door with his hand still firmly on its handle. His eyes emitted something other than happiness and content. They were now a pair showing complete anguish and outrage.

"You're not leaving until we clear this up," he stated firmly. My face tuned sour immediately. How dare he. How fucking dare he!

"I have nothing to say to you," I said bluntly. H

e regarded me silently for a while. "I know there’s a million things you want to say, and you're not stepping foot outside this door until we discuss what's on our minds."

"The only thing on my mind is getting home."

He shook his head and stepped away from the door, but closer towards me. "You can start by shouting abuse at me. I know you want to."

My screw deepened. "What the fuck do you take this for? I don't even want to look at you let alone speak to you."

Our eyes remained securely locked. Despite his sickening image, my eyes couldn't keep away from his. It was as if a golden bond were keeping our eye contact strong. He then stepped even closer. I didn't move. He walked over to the drawers and opened the second one, withdrawing a white vest. As he promptly put it on his eyes never left mine, and mine his. No words were spoken for a few minutes. Seeing him get clothes from the drawer began to raise questions in my mind. Did he live here? If so, how long for? Had he resided here all along?

"Friends flat. He agreed to let me stay for a while till I can find my own place," he explained. I couldn't help but narrow my eyes in his direction.

"Do I fucking care?"

"You were thinking it."

I scowled at his smart-ass comebacks. "So first you disappear and now you can read minds? You'd make a good act you know that?"

He made no form of reply. He appeared so harmonious, like our separation hadn't bothered him, not even a little bit. He closed the drawer and continued to watch me. I took the time to analyse him. His physical appearance hadn't changed much, apart from his build as he appeared more masculine. His tash was more defined and the hair on his chin was becoming more noticeable. My eyes ran over his exposed arms, containing even more sinewy muscle. Evidently, he had been working out on his 'time away', it was noticeable enough.

I finally turned away and peered at the door. I wanted nothing more than to leave without giving him the time of day. He wasn't worth any anger or hurt. 

"How's your head?" he asked, referring to the migraine I've had for quite some time now.

"What does it matter to you?" I questioned, my eyes still focused on the door.

"It matters a great deal. You shouldn't even have to ask that."

"If you can ask questions, then so can I," I shot back with a scowl.

He leaned against the wall and sighed. "Ree-..."

"It's Rebecca. I don't allow strangers to abbreviate my name," I spat coldly.

He looked away with a tense jaw. "I deserve that," he muttered.

I felt so annoyed with him, and myself. I didn't want to be, but I was somewhat thrilled to know that he was still alive. Despite that, he's made me resent him for all the time he was away for. It just wasn't the same.

"You've changed," he spoke softly.

"Maybe cos I'm a year older."

"I know you are." His calmness angered me all the more. The urge to dash the nearest object at him was pending. He then broke the silence by uttering the three words that I dreaded to hear him say. "I missed you."

The sound of my heart cracking was heard from within. I winced at his words and backed away. I couldn't even begin to say it back.

"Seriously, the last thing I want is to have friendly conversation."

He crossed his broad arms against his chest in a relaxed manner. "So what do you want?"

It was very good question, one that had caught me off guard. I began to swell up and felt all the painful memoirs of being alone and suffering from extreme depression playing in my head. The many months of loneliness spent and my soul weakening with each passing day. The crude nights of lying in bed wondering whenever I'd receive a call from him, crying into my pillow every time I thought of the possibilities that he would never return, and locking myself in my room for days without speaking to anyone, missing crucial days of work and 6th form. I had to undergo so much emotional change because he decided to leave. I knew exactly what I wanted.

"I want nothing more to do with you," I muttered slowly.

His face didn't change, he expected such an answer. He then left the wall and walked towards me. "I know what you really want," he insisted in a low voice. "You want to hit me, and make me feel the pain that you felt when I left."

"That wouldn't be enough pain," I sneered.

He then stopped and his face changed completely. "All of this is hard to explain. I know apologising won't do any good. I didn't mean to go for so long."

I rolled my eyes at his bullshit. "So that makes it okay? To be gone for ages and turn up outta the blue?"

He ran his hand over his cornrows and gave an exasperated sigh. "Don't make this hard for me."

"Like you've made it hard for me? Eleven fucking months Kayden. E-le-ven."

He watched me closely with a hard gaze, the exasperation evident on his face. "If I could change what happened, I would. Believe me."

I shook my head slowly. He wasn't even explaining himself, just chatting complete shit. "You take the piss. I'm tired of being fucked over by people, I'm sick of it."

It fell silent for a while. We watched each other from a distance; I couldn't bear to be anywhere near him. He stood against the wall and I remained by the foot of the bed. Eventually time passed and I had decided to take a seat on the soft mattress. I realised I weren't about to leave this room anytime soon. He remained rested against the far wall, one leg propped up. He had changed a great deal, but he would never realise. I didn't like the new him; I hated what he had become. The silence was lethal, until he spoke.

"I thought about you. Every day." His quiet voice stunned me. He was beginning to soften.

I didn't reply.

"You know how much you mean to me, I'd never hurt you intentionally. I know this is all confusing, but if you give me a chance to explain, we can work this out."

I peered down at my fingers and fiddled with my nails, unable to look him in the eye. "You were gone for so long," I finally uttered.

There was no way to excuse something like that. I was currently tangled in my own thoughts; I didn't even know how to feel. All emotions were mixed into one messy concoction.

"The worst thing is; I know I can never stay mad at you."

He watched me closely. "Would you want to?"

I sighed and covered my face. Everything was completely messed up at this point; I couldn't even answer the question. My worst fear was having all the lustful feelings come flooding back, after so long of me concealing and getting rid of them all. It didn't take much for him to steal my heart.

"This is ridiculous," I said in a low growl, now losing my patience. "I finally get comfortable with myself; life finally begins to look up. I change myself for the better; I get a new job, make new friends. I get on with family and become much happier. I have Tyreece. Everything was becoming perfect. And then you show up."

He flexed his knuckles and kept a straight face, taking in everything I said. "Do you love him?" he asked, referring to Tyreece.

"It doesn't matter. At least he's been around. He cares so much for me."

His nose wrinkled as he frowned slightly. "Don't, Rebecca. Don't act like I don't care. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't. You wouldn't be here."

"After how long though?"

He leaned his head on the wall and sighed inwardly. "Eleven months, I know. I already feel like a prick without you stressing that point enough. I'm not asking for your forgiveness."

"So why the fuck am I here?"

"I saved your life and brought you here."

I kissed my teeth and folded my arms. Soon, I know I'd relieve some pent up anger by punching something really hard. Maybe—just maybe—it would be his face.

"How did you find me?" I asked, scarcely interested.

He scrutinised me for a few seconds before tracing his tongue over his bottom lip and muttering, "Was running an errand. When I was done I happened to be driving down that road when I saw you being attacked. Didn't know it was you at the time. When I saw you lying there unconscious I saw nothing but red, I didn't know what to think. I carried you into the car and brought you here. It was a mere coincidence."

I remained silent, unable to voice any kind of reply. By now my throat had turned stale and dry. I felt as if my body was slowly diminishing, and my soul along with it.

"It's like our fate is inevitable, init?"

"We have no fate," I managed to murmur.

It was his turn to tut. The crease between his eyebrows appeared and his jaw was clenched. "You're not about to sit there and pretend that nothing ever happened between us."

My eyes wandered the room before focusing on him once again. He was unbelievable if he thought that what we once had could ever be rekindled. "I'm not gonna pretend. But I know that nothing can ever happen again."

It was wrong in the first place; a pair of close friends to form a committed relationship was definitely the wrong thing to do. I wish I had realised that beforehand, neither of us probably would have ever been in this pile of mess in the first place.

Kayden continued to watch me with hooded eyes and a twisted lip. "What are you expecting? Feelings just don't disappear."

"I know that," I snarled.

"So if I tell you that I love you, what then?"

I shook my head, already aware that this issue would soon arise. "I figured it out time ago. There was always something there. I thought it was love, but what would that even feel like? I've never loved a boy before. I was confused, believing things that I had created in my mind and sticking to it. I lusted after you,  Kayden. We were friends."

His once propped leg began to lower until his trainer eventually came to contact with the polished flooring. It was evident that he did not like what he was hearing; and from the slight snarl on his face, he didn't agree with the statement either.

"We did things together; things 'friends' wouldn't do. You knew how I felt, and you felt the same way."

"It was stupid to do it in the first place. Get over it, I don't love you." I turned away from his gaze immediately. It didn't exactly help the fact that he was still in view from my peripheral vision.

He cracked his knuckle a second time. "You're seriously gonna sit there, look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me?"

I glimpsed at him momentarily, aware that if I was going to clarify this, now would be a good time. "You heard what I said."

He didn't reply. Instead he continued to glare at me with a clenched jawbone and furrowed brows. I'd never seen so much anger displayed on someone's face before, not even his. "You're lying to yourself Rebecca."

I shook my head in utter disbelief. I then stood up and began to pace the room, hugely annoyed by this whole situation. "I have no reason to lie! Don't you dare blame me for any of this."

He bit the inside of his cheek. I could feel the increasing animosity as he watched me stroll to one side of the room, and then back again. I stood by the drawers and breathed deeply. I wasn't willing to back down, not without an argument.

"We told each other things that we wouldn't tell other people. You trusted me. Remember that day, Ree? You spoke of your deepest fears and allowed me to listen, because you trusted me. I touched you in places that no other mans hands had ever wandered, and you trusted me enough to do it. I know you felt something that day. You can't sit there and fucking lie to my face." He stared in my eyes with such passion and rapture. He spoke so calmly, so calm that it was almost intimidating.

I swallowed hard and pursed my lips. "None of that even matters anymore. You left. You decided to fuck things up."

He exhaled a great amount of breath before stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "This boy been treating you good?" he asked. I scoffed and ignored his question completely.

"You're unbelievable."

"You're the one who refuses to believe the truth."

I screwed at his relaxed manner. "You can't force me to be with you, Kayden."

"I shouldn't have to. You deny it when we both know you have feelings for me."

My fists tightened. "I don't. Not anymore. You're just any guy to me now."

He nodded sarcastically. "And you wanna lie again?" It was clear that he wasn't about to leave this argument well enough alone.

"You're wasting your time here. You shouldn't have bothered to come back."

He peered at me angrily. The hatred in his eyes was evident. "You want me to leave?"

"Yeah, I really do."

His eyes pierced into mine, like the deadly glare of an awaiting hawk. He removed his body from the wall and slowly approached me. I watched him take every step closer towards me, completely unable to move. Witnessing his presence nearing mine brought me to a standstill. Once he was close enough he brought his face near, our noses almost touching.

"Just say the words and I'll go," he whispered on my lips. His warm breath chilled my face and brought back a sensation that was all too familiar. My eyelids became stiff; it was a myth to blink. His face remained straight, yet sincere. His mystified eyes showed nothing but sombre and peace. They weakened me instantly.

"Kayden, you need to..." I paused and sighed at my failed attempt of being stern. The infamous dimple lodged in his chin was distracting me, and brought back many sacred memories.

"Say it and I'll leave," he said softly.

I became mesmerised by his sensual aura and smooth tone. He knew he had that effect on me, he always did. I weren't about to say it, he and I both knew that I could never tell him to leave. That wasn't what I desired.

I growled inwardly, now agitated that this was happening. Neither of us would ever be able to agree again. If anything, us trying to resolve our problems were only making matters worse. Him returning was just rubbing salt into the deepened wounds that I thought had healed. I was suffering from confusion and scattered emotions.

"You can't do this! You can't fucking walk in here like you've done nothing wrong!"

He continued to stare, as if the view of me had him speechless. "I had no choice Rebecca," he stated calmly. "I had to leave."

I turned to window, once again avoiding eye-contact. "So why are you back?"

"You don't get it do you? You don't understand when I tell you how much you mean to me. I had to come back and make sure you were okay."

I shifted my gaze back to him. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"You obviously weren't. Who knows what that prick could've done to you out there. You could've been killed."

I stared at him without a response, which wasn't like me at all. He breathed deeply and his face softened. He raised his left hand to my face and used his thumb to gently sweep my fringe out of the way. I shivered under his touch. He ogled my face for quite some time, and then a frown appeared on his lips.

"What happened to you?" he asked.

It then occurred to me that he had uncovered the permanent scar that I received from the shooting incident in Footlocker. The obscene images of that day flashed continuously. I remembered the sight of the car, the shattering of the glass, and the unbearable shot of pain I endowed before blacking out. Conditions were so serious; I almost suffered a brain haemorrhage.

"I was shot at, and left in hospital for a few weeks."

His whole face changed. His sincere expression became highly sour and full of abhorrence. He tenderly stroked the scar with the tip of his thumb. "Who did this to you?"

I shrugged. A bit late now, don't you think? Where were you when this happened?"

He continued to massage the scar, before moving onto my temple. He rested his palm on my cheek and tutted, unable to answer. As silence surrounded us, I became accustomed to his feel. It had been a long time since I had felt his soothing touch. Strangely, I didn't want it to stop.

"I should never have left," he muttered in annoyance.

"You're in no position to protect me anymore, Kayden."

His breathing became heavy. "Why, is it his job now?" he enquired with a screw.

I battered his hand away and gave him a daring look. He had no right to gain attitude towards Tyreece. Ty hadn't done anything bad; as a matter of fact, my life was improving because of him. I was happy because of him. I refuse to let Kayden ruin anything that we have.

"I don't need this from you right now!" I yelled.

"What do you want me to do? Sorry can't change shit, what can I fucking do? I came back for you."

"Maybe I don't want you back!"

He closed his eyes briefly and groaned. "You're lying again."

"I don't need to lie, I hate you, Kayden! I don't think you understand how much I despise you right now. I fucking want you out my life!"

His nostrils flared and he shot me a dangerous look. "I'm not going anywhere," he declared.

It became eerily silent after that. We regarded each other and I screwed him deeply. He showed no emotion, his blank stare shielded what he really felt, and he wasn't about to reveal anything, not to me anyway. I wanted him to leave and never come back, just like he did beforehand. It sickened me that I've put up with his bullshit for this long.

"Look at you. You've changed and you don't even realise. You don't even care about the effect you have on people! Everyone was distraught, especially your mum, but it's like you don't give a fuck! I wish I could just go back in time to before I even met you. Do you know how much simpler my life would have been?"

He said nothing, just turned away with a sigh. He was beginning to annoy me even more. I kissed my teeth and looked out of the window. I've done a lot of bad things to people in the past; I wouldn't want Kayden to be another victim. He was being awfully quiet, and didn't retaliate once. This is what he wanted in the first place, for me to vent.

"I fucking hate this! I hate the fact that you've appeared, but I hate it even more that I missed you! I didn't want to fucking miss you after you had me feeling like shit for so long! I have Tyreece who treats me so much better, he makes me happy, and now you wanna fucking show up and ruin shit?! Fucking hell man, you turn up from fuck knows where and expect me to welcome you with open arms? Did you expect me to fucking wait for you? You weren't even around! Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, my birthday—where the fuck was you? Do you even fucking care? And you expected this relationship to work after you fucked off. How can I even trust you anymore? This is why I don't let people in to begin with! I show some form of feeling and they spit all over it and abandon me in my time of need. And people wonder why I'm so fucking bitter. I feel too much, I've experienced so much shit ever since my mum died, you would never imagine! I depended on you so much and you had no idea! Then you left, what was I supposed to do?! And you're stood here like everything’s gonna be okay, like no problems will come of this. NO, it doesn't work like that! Not everything goes your fucking way!"

He regarded me silently, just watching and listening closely—not even a single word of response, which upset me all the more.

"See, look! You don't even care; you don't give a shit do you?"

He turned away and peered at the far wall. "The whole reason I left was because of you."

My breathing slowed and my chest tightened. Seeping his hands into his pockets, he slowly approached the slightly ajar window on the opposite side of the room. He glimpsed outside and kept his back facing me, almost as if he was reminiscing about something deep and important. I had a right mind to leave without him noticing, but his sudden change of emotion had left me curious and intrusive. I wanted to know about his journey, I wanted to know why he left, and what he had been doing these past months. As much as I made it clear to him that I didn't give a damn, I actually did. I cared. I cared a great deal.

"What?" I managed to utter after a brief pause.

"I did something bad Rebecca," he began. "I satisfied myself at the expense of someone else's life. I killed and felt no way about it."

A lump began to form within my throat. I quickly gulped, trying my hardest to ignore the echoing thumps of my heartbeat heard through my ears. "Killed who?" I asked slowly, so low it came out as a mere whisper.

"Leon."

I didn't react; just felt my body numb and my heart turn to cool ice. His body pivoted and he faced me once again, peering right into my eyes, his, bland and motionless. He parted his lips and ran his tongue along the bottom, like he always used to when he slightly amused.

"It felt so good, knowing that I dealt with someone in the way they should've been dealt with. My only ambition was to protect you, keep you safe. I weren't gonna accept the fact that he violated you. When I took care of him, I didn't regret it. Up until now, I still don't regret it."

I stuttered a breath and felt my knees weaken.

"Eventually the police were notified, and my name was given in as a suspect. I knew that if Leon's friends were to ever learn it was me, they would come straight for you. Unfair, but that’s how it is. I had to leave before anything else happened. I didn't want you involved in this kind of mess. If something were to happen to you, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So I left, staying in different locations to remain hidden. I had the urge to call you, but I couldn't. I wasn't sure if my calls were being tracked or not.

"I stayed in that building and all I could do was think about you. Where you was, who you were with, what you were doing, if you were safe. You were the only one who crossed my mind. I wanted to call you so badly just to check up on you and make sure you were okay—but I didn't. For your safety I didn't do it. It fucking killed me to be away from you. Believe me; I suffered as much as you did. It didn't bother me too tough whether my plans would fail, the thought of seeing you again kept me motivated. I didn't mean to go for so long, but I didn't stop caring about you. I never could."

He slowly approached me once again, his face a few centimetres from mine, carrying a heartfelt expression on his face.

"I love you, you know I do, and I don't think I can ever stop. You mean so much to me, Ree."

I watched him closely, unable to string a sentence together. His eyes pierced into mine yet I still didn't move. It was as if my feet were glued to this particular spot of the room. I couldn't even reply to him, as much I would like to. His hands traced over my bare arms, creating a wave of goosebumps on the surface. I shivered as his hands touched me gently, just like before.

"Don't," I whispered.

Thoughts of him harming Leon began to flash in my mind like a hectic slideshow. I was so oblivious to it, I had no clue. There was never anything on the news as far as I knew, or in any tabloids. Had I been that blind? It was official, Kayden and I were both murders, but it shocked me that he felt no way about it. He did it all for me...this was my doing.

He tugged at my top to pull me closer towards him, allowing the strong invisible bond at the sole of my trainers to break, I could move once again. My throat became awfully dry; I didn't know what to think.

"Don't touch me," I warned. He ignored my demand and continued to lay his hands on my arms, neck and face. "Stop! Stop it!" I balled my hands into tight fists and raised them, then began to strike him in the chest with my fists, pounding them with such force as if I were banging onto a locked door.

I still hated him and the murderer he had become. His words were so cold and held no affection, he had changed for the worst, and I didn't like it. I continued to thump him in the chest, shouting vile insults and cursing him with all different names under the sun. Annoyingly enough, he didn't react. I couldn't inflict any pain on him, which made me even angrier. I punched him harder, aiming for his chest in particular. I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt, so he knew how much of a dickhead he was. Throughout all the attacks he still watched me calmly. I wasn't hurting him at all.

"Ree..."

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

He remained stiff, and then quickly grabbed hold of both of my wrists before I could strike again, all in one swift motion. I attempted to break free from his grip, but there was no use. All the struggling was hopeless, but I wasn't allowing him to control me. I tugged and tugged, but he remained silent with an emotionless, yet stern facial expression.

Suddenly he hauled me close to him and rested his lips on mine. My heart thumped painfully and my chest tightened. I submitted immediately and closed my eyes, captivated by his ductile lips. I missed his cushioned lips brushing against mine and the way he held me so gentle with his arms circling the small of my back, the same spot every time. His soft, wet tongue caressed mine in a rhythm. I sighed inwardly and subconsciously held onto him for comfort. The passion within the kiss overwhelmed me, and soon I was sucking on his delectable bottom lip.

He proceeded to kiss me gently, yet firm, just to make a point. It had been a very long time since a kiss like this was shared between us. It was more lust than anything else. Kissing him right now was reviving all of the craving and desire I had for him that was camouflaged so many months ago. No space was left between us; it was just how I wanted this to be. I knew I'd regret doing this sooner or later, probably very soon.

His hands wandered my back, gradually reaching down to palm my bum and pull me into him closer. A small groan escaped my lips. The reality of it was no matter how distant we had become, our sexual lust could never be contained. He pulled away and trailed to my neck, kissing and sucking tenderly, just like he used to. I breathed deeply and threw my head back, enjoying the feel of his lips on my skin once again. Eventually he stopped, leaving me panting and disorientated. He breathed on my lips and licked his own.

Ahh, God.

"That meant nothing," I panted through a dry throat.

He didn't reply, instead he released me from his hold. I quickly moved away from him before I made the same mistake again and reached for my bag that rested by the bed. Swinging it over my shoulder, I turned to leave and headed for the door. I turned the handle and opened it, then travelled down the 6 steps, reaching the front door. I could hear his footsteps behind me. I paused and spun around to see him putting his jacket on.

"I'm dropping you home," he declared.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, then opened the front door. We left the flat and soon reached the car. I remembered it immediately. Although it was a Peugeot 207, he renamed it S.A.C.H.A, simply because he was a prick back then, and still is now. He used the keys to unlock the car and we both entered. The inside was leather and quite cold. I shuddered and adjusted my seatbelt. He inserted the key in the ignition and the car came to life instantly. The engine rumbled beneath us as he reached to turn the heating on. I stared right ahead and didn't say a single word. After all that had happened, I didn't want to.

Soon we took off down the road. The radio played smoothly in the background, creating a peaceful atmosphere, yet the tenseness between us overshadowed the music. I couldn't even calm down, my mind had turned to mush. So many things were bothering me all at once, and it pissed me off. I took a second to glance at him quickly; his eyes were focused on the road ahead. He bit his lip, causing the dimple to show. I missed it so much, and I missed him unfortunately.

The rest of the journey home was silent. Eventually he parked by my house and left the engine running. He rested his head back on the headrest of the car and sighed deeply. I looked at him curiously.

"I'm so sorry Ree. About everything." He stared me in the eyes with such infatuation and sentiment that it almost hurt to look at him. "I don't deserve you," he muttered.

I watched him silently for a few seconds, digesting the brief apology. "I know." Without another glance I got out the car and slammed the door. I approached my house and sighed, well aware that he was still watching me, his eyes burning into my back as I walked further and further away from the car.

Don't look back...

I retrieved my keys from my bag and unlocked the door. Like a fool I quickly looked back, but by then, he had gone.

We entered Harvester and were greeted by the exquisite smell of the restaurant food. I inhaled the smell and sighed. I weren't really hungry, but since dad and Uncle Clayton offered to take us all out for a meal, it would be rude to object the offer. Plus, we never usually eat in public as a family, and it was clear why.

Diamond sniffed the air and rubbed her hands together in excitement. "Suttin smell good!" she chimed.

We were all seated by the window and were given menus. I peered around our table. Claycia and Diamond shared a menu, both deciding which food they should choose. Andre licked his lips at the many images of food displayed on the card. Dad and Uncle discussed the beverages, as Kieran and I remained focused on the screens of our phones. I read Tyreece's message and replied to him, letting him know I was with family for the time being and that I would call him later.

It's been a couple of days and I haven't really left the house or spoken to anyone besides Ty. After Kayden dropped me home, I received countless questions from Dad and was interrogated by Uncle. Needless to say I wasn't told off, since I came up with a believable excuse that I was at Brooklyn's and my phone had died. It depressed me knowing that Kayden was back in town; now that I knew, he wouldn't leave my mind. I couldn't help but think about him. A lot.

Even when I'm talking to Tyreece, he was clouding my mind. It was annoying, but I had the urge to see him once again. He pissed me off to such extremes, but I wanted to see him. It angered me how weak I had become. Seeing him that day has made certain feelings rush back, and that was the last thing that I wanted to happen. He was so calm that day, so reserved. It wasn't the Kayden that I knew. He wasn't right for me, and after learning that he had murdered Leon, it was obvious that he was bad news. It was evident that he was probably used to doing these kind sick deeds, which means he cannot be trusted.

So why do I want to see him again so badly?

"Becca!"

I snapped out of my troubled thoughts and peered up from my phone to witness both Dad and Uncle Clayton peering at me.

"Wah'um to yuh gyal? Mi ah chat to yuh." Uncle frowned, he hated being ignored.

I cleared my throat. "Sorry uncle, I was reading something."

"Eee. Wah yuh waan fi nyam?"

I skimmed the menu and sighed. Harvester served a great deal of food; the burgers filled the majority of the plate. The last thing I want is high cholesterol to be honest. "I want a salad."

"Salad fi wah? Choose sum propa food nuh gyal!"

I sighed and looked at the menu once again.

"Ooh, ooh! Can I have a 'plantation platter'?" Diamond asked as she read aloud from the menu.

"That's a combo; you can't have it to yuhself," Claycia replied.

"Why don't you both have it to share then," Dad suggested. They both agreed and smiled.

Eventually everyone ordered their drinks and food and it came approximately 20 minutes later. As everyone tucked in, I sat there feeling glum. I hated feeling this way, it was all that pricks fault; turning up unexpectedly and shit. I still couldn't believe it. To this day I wonder if I had dreamt it or not, but the love-bite on the crook on my neck proved otherwise. I watched Diamond attack her boneless BBQ ribs, it was quite a disgusting sight.

"Diamond, what did I say about etiquette a long time ago?" I questioned. I remembered the day that Tyreece and I took her to the ice-cream parlour, and informing her about the polite way to eat at the table.

She paused and gasped. "Oh yeah!"

Uncle Clayton tutted. "Nuh worry bout 'ar man, nyam yuh food."

Diamond shrugged and continued eating like a malnourished child, messing up her mouth and dripping sauce on her clothes in the process.

"Diamond's the fastest eater I know," Kieran commented with a chuckle. I watched him, wondering why he was still alive.

Andre ate a chip and scoffed. "These times you finished yours in less than 5 minutes," he said. Kieran laughed and burped. Dad then slapped him in the back of the head.

"Manners boy, what's wrong wid you?"

Andre started laughing. Kieran screwed and kicked him hard underneath the table, causing him to yelp out in pain. "Argh! You prick," he muttered with narrowed eyes. Kieran began to throw peas at him and dad slapped him once again.

I sighed and covered my face. This is why we don't eat in public as a family. In the end, no-one had dessert apart from Diamond, who felt sick after consuming her Treacle Sponge Sundae. She hiccupped and rested her head on Claycia's shoulder and complained about stomach cramps. The bill soon arrived and was presented at the table. Dad drank the last of his beer and picked up the piece of paper to view the cost.

"Rarse!" he said aloud.

Uncle Clayton raised a brow. "Wah?" Dad the flicked the paper over to him in order for him to see what the fuss was about. "Bloodclart," he whispered in awe.

I couldn't help but smile at their similarities; they should get their own sitcom. They both drew out their wallets simultaneously and began taking out notes.

"Where yuh dosh bwoi?" Uncle asked to Kieran, who simply shrugged in return.

"In my pocket."

"We agreed on splitting the bill Kieran," Dad stated sternly.

He sighed and fetched a wad of notes from his pocket. Since he was a “working man” now, he thought he was rich, but he will always be a cunt in my eyes.

After paying the bill + tip we left. I gave Diamond a piggyback as she was being a drama queen and bitching about her stomach-ache. We reached the 7 seater and hopped inside, then sped off back home. I was seated at the far back with Claycia, rubbing my bloated stomach which was full of ribs and fries. I would've been fine with the salad, but in this family, eating is one of the most important things (that's black people for you).

I noticed how quiet Claycia was being and gave her a light tap on the shoulder. She turned from the window and looked at me. "You alright?" She nodded slowly. "You've barely spoken all day."

"When does she ever speak?" Andre questioned as he faced us from in front. I screwed him.

"Be gone from our conversation, you peasant." He tutted and faced ahead again.

Clay laughed quietly and smiled. "I'm jus a bit tired," she said, answering my previous question. 

"Eeee! Di meal sweet up mi belly GOOD una," Uncle announced. Friggin' hell, he was so loud.

Dad nodded in agreement and placed his Reggae CD in the radio. The gruff voice of Shabba Ranks played through the thumping back speakers, causing Dad and Uncle to sing along wildly. I shook my head and noticed that I received a text from an unknown number.

I miss you x

Knowing exactly who it was from, I swallowed hard and deleted the text. This wasn't the first time I received a message from him. It was becoming frequent now, and I never replied once. I just wanted him to leave me alone so I can forget about him. I sighed and rested my head on the window in dismay. I dunno what I'm going to do...

After spending some time thinking, I decided what would be the smartest thing to do. Later on that evening I set off down the road and caught the bus, which luckily enough, arrived as soon as I reached the stop. I arrived at his door a few minutes later, contemplating to myself whether I was making the right choice or not. I knocked on the door three times and waited in anticipation.

Once I go in now, there was no coming back.

But then again, I know who I really love.

I sighed heavily, shifting from foot to foot. Please be in...

The door suddenly opened. He stood there, completely shocked by my presence.

"Rebecca..."

Before he could say anything I stepped forward and kissed him. He responded almost immediately and held me close. I then sighed in relief; relieved that I had made this choice—the right choice. He was the one for me.

His strong arms encircled me like a tightened vice, but I loved it. My tongue caressed his eagerly. His chest rose and fell as his breath began to quicken. With his lips still attached to mine, he closed the front door and scooped me off of my feet, then carried me to the bedroom...